Have you ever had the following experience? Someone helps you – e.g., gives you directions, does you a favor, suggests a more efficient way of doing something, saves you from harm – then you say “Thank you,” and the individual responds, “No problem” or “It’s just my job.” Does that kind of reply satisfy you?
For a long time, being on the receiving end of one of the above responses (or the one that really irritates me, “Whatever”) bothered me, even though these types of answers seem to have become standard in our society. I wondered whatever happened to the reply I was taught when someone thanked me, which is simply, “You’re welcome.” There is something perturbing to me about the new “standard” exchange, which seems dismissive of the speaker’s gratitude. A recent experience allowed me to discover the reason for my dissatisfaction and taught me a valuable lesson.
Last month I received a very generous gift from an individual I hardly know. I was well aware that this person could afford the gift, and I wondered how I could thank her in a way that conveyed the extent of my appreciation. When I called to express my gratitude, she took the time to listen to everything I wanted to say, and her reply indicated that she fully understood my message. Importantly, she refrained from downplaying or minimizing her action. I gained two insights from this experience.
First, by fully embracing her role as benefactor, this individual refrained from minimizing the value of the gift. Rather than dismissing my thanks or downplaying her role by responding that it was no big deal, she simply accepted my appreciation.
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When people do something for another person, they often view it in terms of its “cost” to them rather than in terms of the value provided to the recipient. As a result, they do not see the impact their assistance had on the other person. When they downplay their efforts, they are doing a disservice both to themselves and to the other person. For example, last week I had a meeting with a client in Los Angeles, where parking is notoriously scarce. The executive’s assistant made a phone call to arrange parking for me in the building’s lot. As a result, she saved me time and helped keep my stress level down. Yet her response to my expression of thanks was, “This is very minimal work. It’s not a problem.” Clearly she had no idea that she had made my life easier.
Second, by receiving my expression of gratitude, my benefactor enabled me to reciprocate in small measure for her act of kindness.
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The norm of reciprocity is very strong in U.S. culture. When someone who helps us dismisses our thanks by saying (for example), “I was just doing my job,” in essence that person is not allowing us to fulfill our part of the exchange. It is this refusal to accept my thanks, I realized, that has been the source of the dissatisfaction I described above.
Think of the consequences that these all-too-common “No problem” or “It’s just my job” responses have throughout society. Because people have no idea how a small kindness on their part can have a huge impact on others’ lives, they are not receiving the recognition they deserve for the value they provide. Further, by downplaying their efforts they are refusing to accept the recipients’ thanks, or at least they are trivializing them. This type of interaction leaves both parties diminished rather than energized. And this outcome is bad for business. Why? Because instead of recognizing the value they provide and being energized by the opportunities that present themselves every day, employees are focusing on the tasks they perform. Thus they cannot see how they contribute to the organization’s goals. Why not tap into the capacity that every one of us has to add value to others’ lives? Doing so is uplifting for all concerned.
Here are my suggestions for receiving others’ thanks:
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1. When you take the time to help someone, think about the impact of your kindness on that person – even if you view your efforts as merely doing your job or as no big deal. There is a very high probability that you have made the other person’s life easier, safer, less stressful, or more joy-filled. Acknowledge your contribution to improving the other person’s quality of life.
2. Allow the other person to express his/her thanks.
3. Reply “You’re welcome” and stop talking. Do not downplay your effort – even if you thought it was minimal.
4. Repeat steps 1 – 3 often.
What can you do today to increase the quality of another person’s life? Let us know!
© 2010 Pat Lynch. All rights reserved.
