What’s in a name? You might be surprised! Most people’s names are an integral part of their identity. After life itself, a name is the first thing parents generally give their children. It may be the result of long and careful thought, or it may be chosen to honor someone they admire or to continue a family tradition. It simply may be that the parents chose a name they liked. The point is that people’s names represent who they are. Names are personal.

There are some situations in which people’s names are changed for them. Alternatively, they may choose to change them on their own. For example, people often take new or additional names as part of religious rites of passage. On a more worldly level, some people may be given nicknames, or they may select their own. Records indicate that decades ago, many immigrants’ names were changed when they were processed into the U.S. at Ellis Island. They accepted the forced new identities because the urge to seek a new life in America was stronger than the need to hold on to the name they were given in their home countries. Changing one’s name when one gets married may be traumatic for some yet a welcome opportunity for others. For instance, those whose names are tied closely to their sense of identity or for whom there is a strong family connection may be reluctant to leave those monikers behind. Yet others cannot wait to shed their names, which may be cumbersome, or reveal something that their “owners” wish to leave behind (e.g., notoriety or fame), or cause implicit assumptions (e.g., ethnic identify).

For these reasons and others, names often are personal. So when others misspell or mispronounce people’s names, it shouldn’t be a surprise that they take such errors personally. If these “mistakes” are intentional, they might be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. If unintentional, they may signal lack of attention to detail, or indifference toward the individual. Because writers’ and speakers’ intentions generally are not known, people often assume the worst and take the error as a sign of disrespect. As a result, the relationship goes downhill from there – or never gets off the ground.

Here are two questions for you: when others spell or say your name erroneously, do you correct the mistake or do you let it go? Whatever your choice, how does it work for you? If you let the error go, you may find that continued exposure to someone who continuously misspells or misstates your name is analogous to a pebble in your shoe: initially a minor annoyance you decide is not worth fixing, its continuous rubbing ends up causing a blister or other injury that affects the way you walk. Now your body is out of alignment. Isn’t it worth taking the time to remove the pebble in the first place?

In the workplace, what happens when you don’t know your employees’ or co-workers’ names? Or worse yet, what if you know them but don’t use them? People have reported feeling invisible or de-valued when others don’t have the courtesy or respect to call them by name and/or to use their names correctly. Think it doesn’t matter? I’ll never forget the words of an information technology director of a large healthcare organization who was seeking another job: “My office has been next to the CIO’s (Chief Information Officer’s) office for three years. He doesn’t even know my name.” Is it any wonder that his colleagues and employees were leaving in droves?

There’s a really simple preventive measure you can take to ensure your employees and colleagues feel respected and valued: learn and use their names correctly. The return on investment (ROI) on the time spent learning names is huge. Think back to the time when your career was just beginning. Was there a person in authority in the organization, perhaps an executive or the business owner, who knew you by name? Or going back even further, was there a time when a teacher or a professor called you by name without having to refer to the class roster? Do you remember your reaction? Perhaps the experience of someone else’s knowing and acknowledging you left you with an added sense of importance and/or a greater sense of visibility.

I encourage you to learn and use others’ names. Watch the change in those around you when you do. Make someone’s day. It’s an easy and effective way to acknowledge and validate people who otherwise might believe they are passing through life unnoticed. And you might just feel better yourself.

© 2010 Pat Lynch. All rights reserved.

Have you ever had the following experience? Someone helps you – e.g., gives you directions, does you a favor, suggests a more efficient way of doing something, saves you from harm – then you say “Thank you,” and the individual responds, “No problem” or “It’s just my job.” Does that kind of reply satisfy you?

For a long time, being on the receiving end of one of the above responses (or the one that really irritates me, “Whatever”) bothered me, even though these types of answers seem to have become standard in our society. I wondered whatever happened to the reply I was taught when someone thanked me, which is simply, “You’re welcome.” There is something perturbing to me about the new “standard” exchange, which seems dismissive of the speaker’s gratitude. A recent experience allowed me to discover the reason for my dissatisfaction and taught me a valuable lesson.

Last month I received a very generous gift from an individual I hardly know. I was well aware that this person could afford the gift, and I wondered how I could thank her in a way that conveyed the extent of my appreciation. When I called to express my gratitude, she took the time to listen to everything I wanted to say, and her reply indicated that she fully understood my message. Importantly, she refrained from downplaying or minimizing her action. I gained two insights from this experience.

First, by fully embracing her role as benefactor, this individual refrained from minimizing the value of the gift. Rather than dismissing my thanks or downplaying her role by responding that it was no big deal, she simply accepted my appreciation.

When people do something for another person, they often view it in terms of its “cost” to them rather than in terms of the value provided to the recipient. As a result, they do not see the impact their assistance had on the other person. When they downplay their efforts, they are doing a disservice both to themselves and to the other person. For example, last week I had a meeting with a client in Los Angeles, where parking is notoriously scarce. The executive’s assistant made a phone call to arrange parking for me in the building’s lot. As a result, she saved me time and helped keep my stress level down. Yet her response to my expression of thanks was, “This is very minimal work. It’s not a problem.” Clearly she had no idea that she had made my life easier.

Second, by receiving my expression of gratitude, my benefactor enabled me to reciprocate in small measure for her act of kindness.

The norm of reciprocity is very strong in U.S. culture. When someone who helps us dismisses our thanks by saying (for example), “I was just doing my job,” in essence that person is not allowing us to fulfill our part of the exchange. It is this refusal to accept my thanks, I realized, that has been the source of the dissatisfaction I described above.

Think of the consequences that these all-too-common “No problem” or “It’s just my job” responses have throughout society. Because people have no idea how a small kindness on their part can have a huge impact on others’ lives, they are not receiving the recognition they deserve for the value they provide. Further, by downplaying their efforts they are refusing to accept the recipients’ thanks, or at least they are trivializing them. This type of interaction leaves both parties diminished rather than energized. And this outcome is bad for business. Why? Because instead of recognizing the value they provide and being energized by the opportunities that present themselves every day, employees are focusing on the tasks they perform. Thus they cannot see how they contribute to the organization’s goals. Why not tap into the capacity that every one of us has to add value to others’ lives? Doing so is uplifting for all concerned.

Here are my suggestions for receiving others’ thanks:

1. When you take the time to help someone, think about the impact of your kindness on that person – even if you view your efforts as merely doing your job or as no big deal. There is a very high probability that you have made the other person’s life easier, safer, less stressful, or more joy-filled. Acknowledge your contribution to improving the other person’s quality of life.

2. Allow the other person to express his/her thanks.

3. Reply “You’re welcome” and stop talking. Do not downplay your effort – even if you thought it was minimal.

4. Repeat steps 1 – 3 often.

What can you do today to increase the quality of another person’s life? Let us know!

© 2010 Pat Lynch. All rights reserved.